Summary of Susan Forward & Craig Buck's Toxic Parents

Everest Media

Description

Please note: This is a companion version & not the original book.
Sample Book Insights:
#1 The ancient Greeks had a problem. The gods looked down from their ethereal playground atop Mount Olympus and passed judgment on everything the Greeks were up to. And if the gods weren’t pleased, they were swift to punish. They didn’t have to be kind; they didn’t have to be just; they didn’t even have to be right.
#2 Our culture and religions all agree that the omnipotence of parental authority is acceptable, and it’s taboo to assertively confront our parents. The fear of being struck by lightning becomes deeply ingrained and grows with the child.
#3 As a child’s self-esteem is undermined, his dependence on his parents grows, and with it his need to believe that they are there to protect and provide. These beliefs keep the faith alive, allowing you to avoid facing the painful truth that your parents actually betrayed you when you were most vulnerable.
#4 Sandy, a 28-year-old woman, was extremely depressed when she first came to see me. She told me that she was unhappy with everything in her life. She had been a floral designer for several years at a prestigious shop, but she was convinced that she wasn’t smart enough to succeed.

Sujets

• Santé et bien-être
• Santé mentale & traumatisme
• Santé mentale
• Santé mentale
• Abuse
• Religion

Informations

• Publié par: Everest Media LLC
• Date de parution: 28 mars 2022
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781669372172
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 1 Mo

Extrait

Insights on Susan Forward & Craig Buck's Toxic Parents
Contents Insights from Chapter 1 Insights from Chapter 2
Insights from Chapter 1

#1

The ancient Greeks had a problem. The gods looked down from their ethereal playground atop Mount Olympus and passed judgment on everything the Greeks were up to. And if the gods weren’t pleased, they were swift to punish. They didn’t have to be kind; they didn’t have to be just; they didn’t even have to be right.

#2

Our culture and religions all agree that the omnipotence of parental authority is acceptable, and it’s taboo to assertively confront our parents. The fear of being struck by lightning becomes deeply ingrained and grows with the child.

#3

As a child’s self-esteem is undermined, his dependence on his parents grows, and with it his need to believe that they are there to protect and provide. These beliefs keep the faith alive, allowing you to avoid facing the painful truth that your parents actually betrayed you when you were most vulnerable.

#4

Sandy, a 28-year-old woman, was extremely depressed when she first came to see me. She told me that she was unhappy with everything in her life. She had been a floral designer for several years at a prestigious shop, but she was convinced that she wasn’t smart enough to succeed.

#5

The most common defensive wall that adult children of toxic parents build is denial. They may deny their parents’ behavior, their own feelings, and even the truth.

#6

Denial is the most primitive and powerful of psychological defenses. It employs a make-believe reality to minimize the impact of certain painful life experiences. It even makes us forget what our parents did to us, allowing us to keep them on their pedestals.

#7

I had to work hard to get Sandy’s parents to see how their behavior had affected her life, but in the end, they still refused to take any responsibility for their actions.

#8

Denial is a simple process of pushing certain events and feelings out of conscious awareness. Others, like Sandy, take a more subtle approach: rationalization. When we rationalize, we use good reasons to explain away what is painful and uncomfortable.

#9

Louise was a volcano of contained anger. She was being divorced by her third husband, and she came to therapy because her adult daughter threatened to cut off her relationship with Louise if she didn’t do something about her uncontrollable hostility.

#10

We often transfer strong feelings from one person to another, usually an easier target. We may be unaware of it, but we consistently choose men who treat us in ways that both disappoint and anger us.

#11

The death of a parent does not end the deification of that parent. In fact, it may increase it. The survivors are left with the emotional remains of their dead parents, which may inhibit their ability to resolve conflicts with them.

#12

Valerie, a musician, was treated for her lack of confidence. She had been working temp jobs to pay her rent, and she didn’t know if she could ever pursue her singing career. Then her father died of a stroke, and she was overwhelmed by guilt for all the anger she had expressed toward him in therapy.

#13

Children have the right to be fed, clothed, sheltered, and protected. They also have the right to be nurtured emotionally, and to have their feelings respected. They have the right to be treated in ways that allow them to develop a sense of self-worth.

#14

Parents are central to a child’s developing sense of identity. When a parent forces parental responsibilities on a child, family roles become indistinct, distorted, or reversed. A child who is compelled to become his own parent has no one to emulate, learn from, and look up to.

#15

I asked Les where his father was in all of this. He said his father traveled a lot on business and gave up on his mother. He said he had too much to do to feel sorry for himself.

#16

Les was a parent to his mother, and he was expected to be her emotional caretaker. But he was also expected to take care of his brothers, which he did by driving them around and doing their chores.

#17

Les’s parents continued to exert their toxic power over him into his adult life. He grew up without nourishment of his emotional life, so he simply turned off his emotions. He couldn’t turn them back on again even when he wanted to.

#18

The term co-dependent was not new to Melanie. She had first come across it when she attended a meeting of Al-Anon, a Twelve-Step program for family members of alcoholics, during her marriage to her alcoholic husband. She was certain that she wasn’t a co-dependent, but just had bad luck with men.

#19

The checklist I gave Melanie to help her determine whether she was co-dependent was: giving and helping to everyone except herself, having no idea that she was actually perpetuating the irresponsible behavior of the men in her life by sweeping up behind them.

#20

Melanie’s first and most profound emotional relationship with a man was with her father. She was overwhelmed by both her father’s neediness and the guilt she felt when she couldn’t satisfy his demands. She never stopped trying to make up for her inability to make him happy, even when he wasn’t around.

#21

When children are raised by parents who focus on their own physical and emotional survival, they begin to feel invisible. They need their parents to validate their needs and feelings, but their parents never did that.

#22

Physical absence creates its own set of problems. I met Ken, who was 22, in a hospital group for young-adult substance abusers. He was a thin, black-haired young man with piercing dark eyes. He was enormously intelligent and articulate, but he was also very self-deprecating.

#23

The absence of a parent can be particularly painful for a child. Parents must realize that they are divorcing a spouse, not a family. They must maintain a connection to their children despite the disruption in their own lives.

#24

If you are the adult child of a deficient or inadequate parent, you probably grew up without realizing there was an alternative to feeling responsible for them. You can begin the process of understanding that you were wrongly forced to grow up too soon.

#25

The adult child may be able to express their feelings, but the controlling parent would never say the following: I can’t stand the thought of losing you. You’re my whole life. I’m terrified that you’re going to make some horrible mistakes.

#26

Control is not always a bad thing. But it can become overcontrol when a parent restrains their child for their own benefit, rather than for the child’s.

#27

Direct control is the most common form of discipline. It is overt, tangible, and right out in the open. It involves intimidation and is frequently humiliating. Your feelings and needs must be subordinated to those of your parents.

#28

When a child gets married, it can be extremely threatening to his or her controlling parents. They see the new spouse as a competitor for their child’s devotion, which leads to horrendous battles between parents and spouses.