Surviving a Toxic and Abusive Relationship

Greyson James

Description

It is estimated that one out of every seven people in the world suffer from one or more of the Cluster B personality disorders. No matter if they suffer from anti-social, borderline, histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder; all emotional abusers have this in common: unhealthy, superficial, inappropriate or completely nonexistent human emotions and extremely abusive, erratic, dysfunctional and toxic behavior.

Emotional abusers use anger, aggression, deceit, exaggeration, seduction, manipulation and excessive emotion to get what they want and to hide who they really are. Most are so good at what they do, and so relentless at pursuing and achieving what they desire, that most of the time their victims won’t truly realize what is happening to them until they become so isolated, hurt, confused, and disoriented, that they lose all sense of reality and self-identity.

Emotional abuse can happen to anyone, but it is a personal hell through which no one should ever have to suffer. Honest, open, insightful and thoughtfully written from the first-hand experience and perspective of an abuse survivor, this book will not only help you identify behaviors that can lead to emotional abuse, but it will also give you the ability to recognize, avoid, escape and recover from its various forms, in all of its subtlety and expressions. It also provides an understanding of why people with Cluster B disorders do what they do, simultaneously shedding light on these disorders that are so often behind mental and emotional abuse.

Sujets

• Santé et bien-être
• Santé mentale & traumatisme
• Santé mentale
• Santé mentale
• Abuse
• Self-help

Informations

• Publié par: Outskirts Press
• Date de parution: 05 janvier 2022
• Nombre de lectures: 13
• EAN13: 9781977251381
• Langue: English

Extrait

Surviving a Toxic and Abusive Relationship How to Recognize, Respond to and Recover from People with Personality Disorders All Rights Reserved. Copyright © 2022 Greyson James v3.0
The opinions expressed in this manuscript are solely the opinions of the author and do not represent the opinions or thoughts of the publisher. The author has represented and warranted full ownership and/or legal right to publish all the materials in this book.
This book may not be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in whole or in part by any means, including graphic, electronic, or mechanical without the express written consent of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
Outskirts Press, Inc. http://www.outskirtspress.com
ISBN: 978-1-9772-5138-1
Cover Photo © 2022 www.gettyimages.com . All rights reserved - used with permission.
Outskirts Press and the "OP" logo are trademarks belonging to Outskirts Press, Inc.
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Table of Contents
Introduction

1: Understanding Psychopathy
2: An End before the Beginning
3: New Beginnings – The Idealization Stage
4: Don’t Ignore the Warning Signs
5: Learning New Communication Skills
6: Be Careful What You Wish For
7: The Devaluing Stage
8: Discovering New Behaviors
9: White Lies and a Black Heart
10: Weathering the Storm
11: Crossing the Line
12: Defining Abusive Behavior
13: Looking for Help
14: The Pain Runs Deep
15: Withdrawal
16: Leaving Is Never Easy
17: Escape
18: Healing & Leaving the Past Behind

30 Signs of Emotional Abuse
How to Know If You’re Being Gaslighted
Typical Things a Cluster B Person Says
Recommended Reading
Acknowledgments
Introduction
I had never planned to write a book about toxic relationships and emotional abuse. It’s not a very attractive subject, and I knew I would have to re-visit some very dark moments in my life if it was going to be a book worth reading - a book that could help people relate to, identify, understand, avoid or escape what I have personally gone through. I knew that I would have to become vulnerable again if I was going to share advice based on my experience, and I would most likely end up having to re-live and feel some of the physical and emotional pain that I suffered previously as a result of it.
As a male, I also realized I would not only face doubters, but would also have to deal with the demasculating image of being a man that has been abused by a woman and overcome the shame, guilt and incredible suffering that comes with it. Sadly, there is quite a bit of abuse of men by women going on, much of it behind closed doors (because of the negative stigma associated with it), but plenty of it takes place in plain sight for others to see.
The abuse can be verbal, physical, sexual, emotional, financial, spiritual, legal, psychological or, if you have a hall of fame abuser, a combination of all of them. I also understand that there is even more abuse of women by men taking place in the world, and I don’t wish to detract from that very real and horrific problem either. That is why it’s my sincere hope that this book will speak to both men and women on the subject of emotional abuse.
When you fall in love with someone and then decide (for some) to marry, you don’t normally think about what could possibly go wrong. You tend to embrace the person you are with and the moment you are in, and look forward to the happiness you believe you’ll experience with that person for the rest of your life. This can be especially so if you have a prior experience of an extremely happy marriage or relationship to compare to. It’s only natural to hope for and believe that your next relationship or marriage can or will be as good as, or possibly even better, than what you experienced before.
Most loving, healthy and empathetic people will embrace the good traits of their new spouse or relationship partner and also work through the things that can be more challenging to us, because the good traits and habits should normally outweigh the bad ones. None of us is perfect, and all of us carry both negative and positive baggage into any relationship. Most of us will overlook a few negative nuances in a person (provided they’re not too serious) because we have chosen to embrace all of the other good qualities that attract us to them and that they "appear" to bring into the relationship. After all, we were taught that love conquers all, right?
Unfortunately, some people enter a new relationship severely damaged emotionally and mentally from toxic, dysfunctional families and childhood experiences, from abuse and previously hurtful relationships. These experiences often create responses in those hurt individuals that lead to the development of one or more of the four Cluster B disorders that include Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), and Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD). Add to this other disorders like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and you have a volatile cocktail of dysfunction that can, not only kill a marriage or relationship, but cause extreme damage to the person or people (spouses, children, friends) they purport to love. As the saying goes: "Hurt people, hurt people." Most often, it’s the ones closest to them.
The four Cluster B disorders comprise various individual symptoms, but all of them have one thing in common: unhealthy, superficial, inappropriate or completely nonexistent human emotions. These disorders can manifest themselves differently and distinctly with each individual and disorder, but for those of us who have the distinct "joy" of being affected by or are on the receiving end of these disorders (the actual victims), the experience is the same for everyone: First you are idealized, then devalued and then abused.
Because people with Cluster B disorders are incapable of forming natural bonds and healthy relationships with others, they attempt to mimic them through a cycle of "sweet and mean" or put another way, "charming and nasty." The ensuing chaos that comes from dealing with this type of behavior leaves behind a trail of wreckage that can severely and negatively affect those exposed to it for years after.
This begs the question, "Isn’t it pretty obvious for most intelligent people to see these disorders manifest themselves in the individuals we’re involved with before we get so deeply tangled and relationally committed with them?" The simple answer is no, because the "idealization phase" will usually last as long as it takes for the individual with the disorder to secure whatever it is they desire in you or see that they want from the relationship. And this can be many months or sometimes even years into the relationship.
The initial "love bombing" is so strong, so exhilarating and almost overwhelming, that you literally can’t see the proverbial forest for the trees. There’s a lot of "you’re the one," "you’re so perfect, sweet, loving, thoughtful," "we’re so alike," and "I’ve been waiting for someone like you to come along my whole life" etc. And they surely have. Being idealized like this can be an almost euphoric feeling, unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before. And it is all planned. Very well planned. Welcome to the world of psychopathy.
It is estimated that one out of every seven people in the world suffer from one or more of the Cluster B personality disorders. So, the chances are pretty high that you will run into one in your lifetime. People who have these disorders are absolutely driven to have their own needs met. They are so consumed with achieving that singular goal, that they find great difficulty offering any type of healthy emotional responses necessary to achieve a healthy, loving, long-term relationship. They try to cover up their intensely toxic behavior with aggression, deceit, exaggeration, seduction, manipulation and excessive emotion to hide who they really are.
These individuals are so good at what they do, and so relentless at pursuing and achieving what they desire, that most of the time you won’t truly realize what you’ve gotten yourself into until you start becoming isolated, hurt, confused, disoriented and programmed to respond properly to their extremely erratic and toxic behavior.
Their uncontrollable anger, outbursts and abuse start to become the norm, as does their subsequent ignoring of you and your own personal (now diminished) needs. The lies they tell are so frequent and the manipulation so constant and severe, that you soon lose all sense of reality. You settle for the crumbs they may throw your way. You hope beyond hope that tomorrow things will change and you’ll once again get to experience the person you first saw, felt and fell in love with during the idealization stage.
Now throw in the fact that most humans are empathetic, caring, loving individuals who have sympathy for people who have been hurt in their past. Most people are willing to overlook certain behaviors (or warning signs) because they have fallen in love with that person’s good (or faked) traits; and many of us (as in my case) also have somewhat of a rescue mentality that comes from a strong and true desire to see hurt people freed from the bondage of their past experiences.
We want to believe that we can make a difference in that person’s life, and be the one to break the chain of bad experiences for them (many of which we discover later to have been created by themselves). We want to be the person to shower them with the type of love we believe they truly deserve which will cause all those other toxic relationships they’ve been a part of to become a distant memory.
I’m a widower who was fortunate to be previously married for almost 30 years to the most amazing, loving, beautiful, joyful human being that I believe has ever graced this earth. The relationship was by no means perfect, but always f