Taming the Dragon in Your Child

Meg Eastman

Description

Provides parents with realistic, healthy and positive ways to understand and diffuse situations that trigger their child's tantrums, flare-ups, sulks and arguments. Shows parents how to recognize and break their own anger patterns which their children may be imitating. Each chapter combines specific information and advice with realistic examples of what to do in a variety of typical situations.

Sujets

• Santé et bien-être
• Relations interpersonnelles
• Relation interpersonnelle
• Self-help
• Codependency

Informations

• Publié par: Turner Publishing Company
• Date de parution: 01 janvier 1994
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781620459577
• Langue: English

Extrait

TAMING THE DRAGON IN YOUR CHILD
Other books coauthored by Sydney Craft Rozen
Dinosaur Brains: Dealing with All Those Impossible People at Work (with Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D.)
Neanderthals at Work: How People and Politics Can Drive You Crazy And What You Can Do About Them (with Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D.)
TAMING THE DRAGON IN YOUR CHILD
SOLUTIONS FOR BREAKING THE CYCLE OF FAMILY ANGER
Meg Eastman, Ph.D. with Sydney Craft Rozen

John Wiley Sons, Inc.
New York Chichester Brisbane Toronto Singapore
This text is printed on acid-free paper.
Copyright 1994 by Anne Margaret Eastman and Sydney Craft Rozen. Published by John Wiley Sons, Inc.
All rights reserved. Published simultaneously in Canada.
Reproduction or translation of any part of this work beyond that permitted by Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act without the permission of the copyright owner is unlawful. Requests for permission or further information should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley Sons, Inc.
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional services. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought. FROM A DECLARATION OF PRINCIPLES JOINTLY ADOPTED BY A COMMITTEE OF THE AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION AND A COMMITTEE OF PUBLISHERS.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:
Eastman, Meg.
Taming the dragon in your child : solutions for breaking the cycle of family anger / Meg Eastman, Sydney Craft Rozen.
p.cm.
Includes index.
ISBN 0471-59405-9 (acid-free paper)
1. Anger in children. 2. Temper tantrums in children. 3. Child rearing. I. Rozen, Sydney Craft. II. Title. BF723.A4E38 1994 649 .64-dc20 93-13316
Printed in the United States of America
20 19 18 17 16 15 14
CONTENTS
Preface
Acknowledgments
Part I MEETING THE DRAGON
1 The Dragon s Many Faces
Anger Lurks in Every Family / Family Anger Patterns
2 Anger: Understanding Its Roots
Anger-Related Problems / Anger as a Motivator
3 What Is Normal Anger?
Anger Triggers / Is Your Child an Angry Child? / Are You an Angry Parent?
4 Parenting Styles and Anger
Four Typical Parenting Styles / Test Your Parenting Style
5 Two-Parent Families: Problem-Solving Styles
The Legacy of Family Parenting Styles / Five Typical Problem-Soloing Styles / What Is Your Family s Problem-Solving Style? / Combining Different Styles / Assessing the Effectiveness of Different Problem-Solving Styles / What If You Can t Agree on One Style?
6 The Single-Parent Family
Ways to Cope with Single-Parenting Pressures / The Divorced Family / Death of a Parent / What to Do When You re Wondering Why
7 When Parents Need Help
Substance Abuse and Alcoholism / The Abusive Parent
Part II AS THE DRAGON GROWS
8 Understanding Your Child s Temperament
The Elements of Temperament / What Is Your Child s Temperament? / Are You and Your Child In Sync ? / Can Stepparents, Adoptive Parents, and Foster Parents Be In Sync ?
9 Preschool Children: Rages in Stages
Developmental Tasks of Preschoolers / Typical Anger Triggers in Preschoolers / Temper Tantrums: Do They Have to Be?
10 School-Age Children: The Importance of Belonging
How to Resolve Conflicts Peacefully / Issues That Affect School-Age Children / Anger as a Mask for Loneliness
11 Adolescent Children: Expect Rebellion
Peer Pressure / Teens Who Turn Violent / Teens Who Fear Intimacy / Freedom for Teens
12 Teaching Morality: Can the Fiery Dragon Be Civilized?
The Stages of Moral Development / Teaching Morality by Example / Guidelines to Encourage Moral Development
Part III OLD AND NEW DRAGON PATTERNS
13 Recognizing the Dragon s Old Patterns
Assessing Your Own Dragonlike Reactions
14 Five Myths about the Dragon
Understanding the Myths / Banishing the Myths
15 Creating New Patterns
Give Yourself a Signal / Take Time to Cool Down / Examine Your Expectations / Create a Positive Climate / Set Limits
16 When Your Child Whines and Throws a Tantrum
How Parents Respond to Whining / How Parents Respond to Tantrums / What to Do If the Tantrum Turns Dangerous
17 Teaching Children Self-Calming Strategies
Assessing Your Family s Natural Rhythms / Strategies to Calm Children
18 A Rage Gauge to Track Your Family s Dragons
Designing Your Rage Gauge / Using the Gauge to Talk about Your Anger Patterns / Guidelines for a New Pattern / Review Your Rage Gauge
Part IV STRATEGIES TO COMMUNICATE, DISCIPLINE, AND RESOLVE CONFLICTS
19 Talking to an Angry Young Child
Be Ready to Listen / Communication Skills to Use at Different Ages / Teach Your Child I Am C-OO-L!
20 How to Talk to Your Teen
Talk in the Third Person / Ask What If? / Be A Good Listener / Encourage Your Teen to Use I Messages / Teach Your Teen the Steps to Problem Soloing
21 Sometimes the Dragon Needs Silence: Know When to Stop Talking
What to Do When the Tension Level Is High / Be a Model for Your Child / Open the Lines of Communication / Help Your Child Be Clear and Positive / Give Your Child Feedback / Be Clear about What You Will Do and Why / For Nonnegotiable Issues, Stop Talking
22 Setting Limits on the Dragon: Discipline Techniques That Work
Positive Reinforcement with Preschoolers / Positive Reinforcement with School-Age Kids / Positive Reinforcement with Teens / Other Positive Discipline Techniques / Punishment as Discipline / Calm the Dragon within You before You Discipline
23 Dragon against Dragon: Conflicts with Other Kids
Preschoolers Conflicts: Territory and Possessions / School-Agers Conflicts: Pressure from the Group / Teens Conflicts: Too Many Changes
24 Dragons at War: Conflicts between Brothers and Sisters
But She Started It! / Tattling / Revenge / But It s Not Fair! / What Each Child Needs / What Is Your Example?
Part V SPECIAL DRAGON CHALLENGES
25 The Anxious, Highly Stressed Child
Characteristics of the Anxious, Highly Stressed Child / What Triggers Your Child s Anger? / Ways to Help Your Overstressed Child / When Therapy May Help
26 The Active, Impulsive Child
Characteristics of the Active, Impulsive Child / What Triggers Your Child s Anger? / Ways to Help Your Child Learn to Cope with Change / When Therapy May Help
27 The Aggressive, Out-of-Control Child
Characteristics of the Aggressive, Out-of-Control Child / What Triggers Your Child s Anger? / Your Child Needs Limits! Limits! And More Limits! / Discipline Tools to Use with the Out-of-Control Child / Don t Respond Like a Raging Dragon / When Therapy May Help
Part VI LIVING IN PEACE
28 Celebrate! You Are Taming the Dragon
Making Up Is Hard to Do / Ways to Give Peace a Chance / Graduation

Appendix A: Seeking Professional Help for Your Child
Choosing the Right Therapist / Choosing the Right Therapy / Beginning the Real Work
Appendix B: Parents, Schools, and Communities Together
What You Can Do At Home / What Schools Can Do / What the Community Can Do / We Can All Be Peacemakers
Recommended Reading
Index
PREFACE
Parents ask, What do we do about temper tantrums? How do we handle children who are out of control? How do we teach children to express anger without hurting other people? These are important questions. Adults need specific, practical answers about how to stop angry tirades and teach children to express anger responsibly.
Millions of parents of normal children will welcome a book filled with ideas, strategies, and examples of how to handle anger in children of all ages. This book is intended for them. It will also be a valuable resource for the more than one million parents who seek professional guidance each year for their children.
I have spent ten years conceiving and refining my ideas for this book. I wanted to share advice about how to stop, and learn from, the angry explosions that drive parents crazy. The advice I offer is based on the struggles and successes of thousands of parents who have worked with me to Tame the Dragon.
Often when I am introduced as a child psychologist, other parents joke, Oh, then your kids must be perfect. I laugh, because none of us is perfect, but we all want to be perfect parents. From experience, I realize that knowing what to do is very different from actually succeeding in the heat of anger. When we are angry and out of control, we all do and say things we later regret. We forget our new skills and resort to habits that have been our family s patterns of anger for generations.
Information in Part I , Meeting the Dragon, will help you understand the roots of your own anger, the Dragons that families pass from one generation to the next. In addition you will learn to assess your parenting and problem-solving style, as well as learn new ways to express anger and resolve conflicts. Families facing special challenges, such as divorce, school problems, abuse, death, or other highly stressful circumstances, will find needed advice, as well as guidelines for deciding whether professional intervention is appropriate. It should be noted that Chapter 5 , Two-Parent Families: Problem-Solving Styles, includes information that is relevant for the many configurations of today s two-parent families. Chapter 6 reflects the struggles and successes of single-parent families.
Part II , As the Dragon Grows, supplies important information about children s development and how the Dragon of Anger appears in each stage. In Part III , Old and New Dragon Patterns, you will first assess your old, negative dragonlike anger reactions; then you will learn how to create new patterns that provide realistic, workable ways to deal with the inevitable tantrums, blowups, and arguments that are normal parts of family life.
Part IV provides more specific strategies to communicate, discipline, and resolve conflic