Heart of Remarriage

Gary Smalley, Greg Smalley, Dan Cretsinger, Marci Cretsinger

Description

Too often, couples enter remarriage unaware of potential problems and unprepared for the challenges stepfamily life will bring. The Heart of Remarriage takes a unique approach to success in remarriage by going straight to the heart, helping couples heal from the inside out rather than offering surface suggestions that may change circumstances but not the lives of couples and their families. Drs. Gary and Greg Smalley partner with remarried couple Dan and Marci Cretsinger to offer this marriage-changing idea: No matter what circumstances or challenges a remarried couple and their stepfamily face, the solution starts in their hearts. Remarried couples will learn how to examine their own hearts and heal them from the hurts of the past, so that they can be filled with God's love and let that love overflow to their family members. The Heart of Remarriage teaches readers how to create emotional security for every family member and offers practical ideas for connecting at the heart level with their spouse, children, and stepchildren. Couples will be encouraged to keep their hearts open and challenged to leave a family legacy of love.

Informations

• Publié par: Baker Publishing Group
• Date de parution: 23 juin 2010
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781441225771
• Langue: English

Extrait

© 2010 Gary Smalley and Greg Smalley
Published by Revell a division of Baker Publishing Group P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287 www.revellbooks.com
Revell edition published 2014
ISBN 978-1-4412-2577-1
Previously published by Regal Books
Ebook edition originally created 2012
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version ®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.
Other versions used are:
AMP —Scripture taken from THE AMPLIFIED BIBLE, Old Testament copyright © 1965, 1987 by the Zondervan Corporation. The Amplified New Testament copyright © 1958, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
CEV—Contemporary English Version . Copyright © American Bible Society, 1995.
ESV —Scripture taken from the English Standard Version , Copyright © 2001. The ESV and English Standard Version are trademarks of Good News Publishers.
THE MESSAGE —Scripture taken from THE MESSAGE . Copyright © by Eugene H. Peterson, 1993, 1994, 1995. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.
NASB —Scripture taken from the New American Standard Bible , © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
NCV —Scriptures quoted from The Holy Bible, New Century Version , copyright © 1987, 1988, 1991 by Word Publishing, Nashville, Tennessee. Used by permission.
NKJV —Scripture taken from the New King James Version . Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
NLT —Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation , copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
TLB —Scripture quotations marked ( TLB ) are taken from The Living Bible , copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.
Gary Smalley:
To my faithful assistant, Sue Parks, who has helped in writing this book with her many life stories and discerning insight .
Greg Smalley:
I dedicate this book to my wife, Erin. Thank you for loving me deeply from your heart. I could not have written this book without your encouragement, support and sacrifice. You are my best friend and the love of my life. Also, to our four children: Taylor, Maddy, Garrison and Annie .
Dan and Marci Cretsinger:
To our dear friend Doris Haynes. We are ever grateful for her friendship. She saw something in us that we thought had died, and God used her to pull us out of the pit of guilt and help us forgive ourselves and move forward in faith and love. She has been with us through many rough times, always there to encourage and remind us of God’s great promises to His children. She has inspired us, prayed for us and counseled us, and we have healed and grown in our marriage and our faith. Thank you, Doris. Thank you, Beth Moore, who wrote When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. This book was a great tool in healing us. And to our children, whom we love so dearly: Rachel, Michael, John, Dana and Sam .
Thank you for your forgiveness and love .
Contents
Introduction: The Heart of Remarriage
Part One: Heart Matters
1. Remarriage: It Starts with Your Heart
2. Battered Hearts Need Safety
3. Healing Your Own Heart First
4. Beliefs That Build a Satisfied Heart in Remarriage
5. Keeping Each Other’s Hearts Safe
6. Preparing Hearts for Remarriage
Part Two: Roles in Remarriage
7. The Heart of a Remarried Husband
8. The Heart of a Remarried Wife
9. The Heart of a Remarried Dad and Stepdad
10. The Heart of a Remarried Mom and Stepmom
11. The Hearts of Children and Stepchildren in Remarriage
12. Open Hearts Toward Former Spouses
Part Three: Heart Changers
13. Heart Checkups
Acknowledgments
About the Authors
INTRODUCTION

The Heart of Remarriage
When Matt and Mandy decided to get married, they vowed to do it right. They would love each other till death parted them, and get married in their church in a ceremony witnessed by friends and family. Excitedly, the couple booked their wedding date in the chapel and planned their reception. Mandy bought a beautiful wedding gown, and the pair picked out rings. They lined up their premarital counseling appointments and showed up a few minutes early for the first session, eager to hear the words of wisdom their pastor would impart for their blessed union.
They entered the pastor’s office, where the men shook hands and clapped each other lightly on the back, and Mandy gave the pastor a light hug. Then the couple sat down in chairs across from this man they respected—and waited.
Suddenly, the atmosphere turned slightly awkward. The pastor cleared his throat, obviously trying to find the right words. Matt and Mandy looked at each other anxiously. You see, Matt and Mandy were each getting married for the second time. She wasn’t the young first-time bride, but a divorcée with an ex-husband living two states away and two small children. Matt had a former wife who now attended church across town, and three kids who went back and forth between mom and dad. The comfortable, wood-paneled church office suddenly began to feel stifling.
This scenario, or something like it, happens in churches every day. Well-meaning couples who have experienced the pain of leaving a marriage or losing a spouse through death or divorce want to get married for the second (or more) time, and well-meaning, caring pastors and ministers feel uneasy or don’t have the right tools to counsel them on how to do it. Couples on the brink of remarriage desperately need wisdom, and their damaged hearts long for a blessing. They’ve heard the warnings of family and friends. They already know the odds against a second marriage making it. They live daily with the pain of “friends” who gossip, judge or simply no longer invite them over since their marriage ended.
Still, Christian couples who believe that God has offered them a new chance at love for a lifetime make joyful plans for remarriage. They want to build a family that will honor God, and they desire to be used by Him as a living picture of redemption. They need acceptance and solid advice, and they turn to their churches to receive it.
Often, the pastor isn’t sure how to give it—the advice or the blessing. After all, praising the two for remaining sexually pure before the union doesn’t exactly fit, and talking about how the marriage will change when children enter the picture usually doesn’t apply. (Been there, done that.) Finances are muddied with child support coming and going, and simple suggestions for better communication hardly cover the sticky circumstances remarried couples will face, with former spouses who create chaos and children who may hate their stepparent. Plus, most loving pastors have counseled hundreds of marriages in trouble and watched remarriages fall apart right and left. They feel torn between hoping this union will last for the sake of all the kids involved and wanting to say, “Are you sure you want to do this?” (the polite version of shouting, “Run for the hills!”). They want to provide wisdom but aren’t sure what are the right words to say.
When premarital sessions are over, couples smile and shake hands with their pastor again, but the smiles are now strained, and all feel relieved to be parting. The three may engage in a few more of these stilted conversations before the wedding, most likely never getting past the past and on to issues of the heart that could bring healing. Instead of getting a good start for a healthy remarriage, couples often feel guilty or frustrated at the lack of empathy and understanding. And pastors and lay pastors who care about these couples and want to marry them with a blessing may feel like they have failed to give hope, wisdom and solid resources to give remarriages a great start.
That’s why we wrote The Heart of Remarriage . This book has a multifold purpose: to teach loving couples how to heal their own hearts from trauma associated with the death or divorce from a spouse; to give already remarried couples practical tools for keeping their hearts open to each other along this complicated journey; and to provide heart insight to loving pastors, lay pastors, counselors and even small-group leaders who want to give advice filled with God’s wisdom that will help remarrying couples make it not only to the altar, but also through a fulfilling marriage that lasts the rest of their lives.
No Apologies Necessary
We believe that there is no need for Christians who have divorced or lost a spouse, or remarried after that loss, to feel like they need to apologize. Yes, the Bible says God hates divorce. But it also says He despises lies, and He isn’t too pleased with envy, disobedience or rebellion either. Sin is sin, and when divorced people face judgment from their fellow Christians, or when pastors don’t have the right words to minister to two wounded people now coming together in remarriage, hearts that need to heal can become hardened.
When did we forget that Romans 3:23 says, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (emphasis added)? Traditional family members’ sins are just as real as the sins of those in second marriages and blended families.
In Divorce and Remarriage: A Redemptive Theology , author Rubel Shelly puts it this way:
Divorce is offensive to God, yet pardonable like any other sin. In ma