Summary of Michael J. Bader's Arousal

Everest Media

Description

Please note: This is a companion version & not the original book.
Sample Book Insights:
#1 The quest for psychological safety is at the center of our psychological lives. It is the concept that helps us understand the meaning behind our sexual fantasies and arousal. The unconscious mind is constantly working to help us pursue our goals in the safest way possible.
#2 We must maintain a secure attachment to our parents to ensure that we survive psychologically. We do this by reading our family environments and adapting to them, and by changing ourselves to meet our parents’ needs.
#3 We adapt to reality, and we adapt to it as if it were also morality. We begin to believe that any wish for special caretaking and love is forbidden, off-limits, as if it meant asking for too much. We not only have to accept neglect, but we must make it seem as if the fault lies with us, not with our parents.
#4 Pathogenic beliefs are difficult to change, and they often take the form of simple ideas that are difficult to disprove, such as: If I’m critical, my therapist will get angry. If I’m dependent, my parents will feel drained. If I’m independent, my parents will feel left out.

Sujets

• Sexuality

Informations

• Publié par: Everest Media LLC
• Date de parution: 28 mars 2022
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781669367185
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 1 Mo

Extrait

Insights on Michael J. Bader's Arousal
Contents Insights from Chapter 1 Insights from Chapter 2 Insights from Chapter 3 Insights from Chapter 4 Insights from Chapter 5 Insights from Chapter 6 Insights from Chapter 7
Insights from Chapter 1

#1

The quest for psychological safety is at the center of our psychological lives. It is the concept that helps us understand the meaning behind our sexual fantasies and arousal. The unconscious mind is constantly working to help us pursue our goals in the safest way possible.

#2

We must maintain a secure attachment to our parents to ensure that we survive psychologically. We do this by reading our family environments and adapting to them, and by changing ourselves to meet our parents’ needs.

#3

We adapt to reality, and we adapt to it as if it were also morality. We begin to believe that any wish for special caretaking and love is forbidden, off-limits, as if it meant asking for too much. We not only have to accept neglect, but we must make it seem as if the fault lies with us, not with our parents.

#4

Pathogenic beliefs are difficult to change, and they often take the form of simple ideas that are difficult to disprove, such as: If I’m critical, my therapist will get angry. If I’m dependent, my parents will feel drained. If I’m independent, my parents will feel left out.

#5

While pathogenic beliefs originally targeted aspects of our psychological life other than sex, the desire for sexual pleasure is present in some form in childhood. Because sexual excitement is fraught with taboos in our culture, it is no surprise that it presents a particular challenge for a human mind in which psychological safety is a primary concern.

#6

Guilt and worry are two of the primary emotions that accompany pathogenic beliefs, and they are instrumental in causing sexual inhibitions. They are also prime causes of psychological suffering and self-defeating behavior.

#7

The manifestations of survivor and separation guilt are often subtle. People constantly snatch defeat from the jaws of victory out of unconscious guilt toward their families. They cannot enjoy a separate, happier life because they imagine that they will feel lonely and disconnected from their families.

#8

Children often misunderstand their parents’ motives and intentions. They cannot always accurately judge their parents’ motives, and their needs are often seen as a burden by their parents.

#9

The function of sexual fantasy is to overcome the beliefs and feelings interfering with sexual excitement. Sexual fantasies are like daydreams, mini-narratives that we use to generate excitement. However, fantasies are often hidden and not always obvious even to the person having them.

#10

Guilt can negatively affect sexual excitement. It can make us feel like we aren’t supposed to have any pleasure at all, and it can easily blend with survivor guilt, the unconscious belief that we aren’t supposed to have more pleasure than our parents did.

#11

The relationship between sexual fantasy and guilt is more complicated than just the pathogenic belief that one shouldn’t be sexual. Beneath broad moral prohibitions against pleasure are more intimate triggers for sexual guilt, such as the role of selfishness in sexual excitement.

#12

The relationship between ruthlessness and sexual excitement is obvious. Anything that promotes undue worry or guilt over the other’s welfare will diminish excitement. Someone who is guilty and worried about others has difficulty being ruthless.

#13

The importance of selfishness in sexual excitement is often highlighted by sex surveys. People often get aroused by being dominated or by dominating someone else. This is a way to resolve guilt and worry-based conflicts, and it helps people feel safely ruthless.

#14

Sexual fantasy and preferences are a way for us to overcome the shame and rejection that we feel from our parents. When we feel criticized or rejected by our parents, we feel bad and unworthy. But when we feel that our parents don’t like us or don’t want us around, we feel disgusting and unlovable.

#15

The symptoms of shame and rejection are inimical to sexual excitement. We can’t feel ashamed and aroused at the same time. We can pretend to feel ashamed or helpless during a pleasurable sexual scenario, but the truth is that we are actually exulting in our shame and helplessness.

#16

Fantasies about genital worship are often solutions to the problem of shame, as are exhibitionist scenarios in general. The fantasy is that the other is enthralled by our body, not repelled by or indifferent to it. Our sexuality drives others wild and insulates us against shame and rejection.

#17

The process of internalizing our family environment is most profound when we are young. We absorb the feelings and attitudes of our parents through a sort of psychological osmosis, and as we become more independent, we begin to separate from our parents and claim ownership of our own separate experience.

#18

Identification is a basic way of connecting to others. It underlies healthy processes of empathy. We put ourselves in each other’s shoes to understand each other. We identify with the victim when we feel compassion for others.

#19

Transference, the shifting of long-standing images and feelings about a parent onto someone in the present, is a major source of bias in the bedroom. When this type of transference occurs, we may exaggerate and distort certain moods and traits in our partners because they resemble problematic moods and traits in our parents.

#20

Sexual fantasies are used to overcome the problems of identification and transference. If we have a parent who is detached, we might gravitate toward sexual fantasies in which everyone is intensely connected.