What Your Son Isn't Telling You

Michael Ross

Description

What Your Son Isn't Telling You provides a rare look at the secret lives of teen boys--a world characterized by loneliness and peer fear; one in which measuring up as a man means conforming to a code of always being a tough guy, never showing weakness, and never expressing true feelings. Too many boys feel the constant pressure to prove themselves in classrooms, on playing fields, and especially among their friends. Deep inside they hunger for family support and connection--and long to be accepted by their peers. Each chapter of this must-read book is packed with real-life stories and emails from teen boys that will give parents a new understanding of what their sons aren't telling them.

Informations

• Publié par: Baker Publishing Group
• Date de parution: 01 février 2010
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781441207678
• Langue: English

Extrait

WHAT YOUR SON ISN T TELLING YOU
MICHAEL ROSS SUSIE SHELLENBERGER

WHAT YOUR SON ISN T TELLING YOU

Unlocking the Secret World of Teen Boys
What Your Son Isn t Telling You Copyright 2010 Michael Ross and Susie Shellenberger
Cover design by Greg Jackson, Thinkpen Design, Inc.
Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. ® Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations identified TLB are from The Living Bible 1971 owned by assignment by Illinois Regional Bank N.A. (trustee). Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means-electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise-without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Published by Bethany House Publishers 11400 Hampshire Avenue South Bloomington, Minnesota 55438
Bethany House Publishers is a division of Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Printed in the United States of America

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Ross, Michael.
What your son isn t telling you : unlocking the secret world of teen boys / Michael Ross Susie Shellenberger.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
Summary: Featuring real-life questions from teen boys, this book equips parents with insight into their sons hearts and minds and offers biblical strategies for guiding the adolescent into manhood -Provided by publisher.
ISBN 978-0-7642-0749-5 (pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Parent and teenager. 2. Teenage boys- Psychology. 3. Sons. I. Shellenberger, Susie. II. Title.
HQ799.15.R6745 2010
248.8 45-dc22
2009040688
To my family, Tiffany and Christopher, I love you both
-Michael
MICHAEL ROSS is a veteran youth communicator and former editor of Focus on the Family s Breakaway magazine for teen guys. He is also the author or coauthor of more than thirty books for young people, including the Gold Medallion winner BOOM: A Guy s Guide to Growing Up . Michael and his wife, Tiffany, and their son, Christopher, live in Lincoln, Nebraska, where Michael oversees the book publishing efforts of the ministry Back to the Bible.
SUSIE SHELENBERGER was founding editor of Focus on the Family s Brio magazine for teen girls in 1990 and continued to serve as editor for nearly two decades. A former youth pastor and high school teacher , Susie has written more than forty books and is in demand as an international speaker for women s groups and teens. Susie is now the editor of Susie, a new print magazine for teen girls (visit www.susiemag.com ), and lives in Colorado Springs.
Contents
Introduction: Mysteries of the Guy Zone
1. How a Boy s World Looks and Feels
2. Breaking the Code of Cruelty
3. Eight Things I Need You to Know About Me
4. Teen Guy Battlegrounds
5. Making Contact: Getting Through to Your Son
6. Helping Him Unmask His True Self
7. Lust, Sex, and Dating
8. Keeping Him Safe in Cyberspace: Unplugging Porn
9. Is Gay Okay?
10. The Furious Five: What Guys Need
11. Anger and Depression
12. What He Needs From Mom
13. Father Hunger and Guy Time
14. Wired for Risks?
15. Lost in Space: If a Boy Rejects Christianity
Conclusion: Lead, Guide . . . PRAY!
Introduction: MYSTERIES OF THE GUY ZONE
Imagine if your teenage son freely opened up and shared what s really going on inside his head. You d probably lose consciousness, right?
And if he came home from school speaking in complete sentences- as opposed to his usual grunt-like expressions ( Uh-huh, Naaaa, I dunno! )-you d be making a frantic 9-1-1 call: Hello, police? I d like to report an impostor on the premises. He says he s my son, but I know better!
In reality, that once-affectionate kid who used to talk your ear off is now beginning to pull away. He s being replaced by a man-sized teen who claims your hugs invade his space. Ironic, isn t it? Just when your son needs you the most, he shuts down . This leaves parents everywhere desperate for answers:
I try to carry on a simple conversation, and it becomes an argument.
I make an effort to give my advice, and it doesn t get through.
I reach out with respect, and all I get is attitude.
Sound familiar? If you re beginning to lose patience, don t lose heart. During our more than fifty combined years of experience with teenagers, we ve observed that just beneath a boy s alien exterior is an amazing young man who has a head full of hopes, dreams, fears, and questions, as well as a whole bunch of other serious thoughts. With a little prompting, he s very capable of sharing them-especially with Mom and Dad. And regardless of how hard it feels at times, we urge you to try.
You are the greatest influence in your son s life, and even though he doesn t always show it, your support means everything to him. That s why we re convinced that you can spark meaningful communication-more than just Uh-huh and I dunno -and nurture a closer relationship.
How? Get connected with three basic relational links-keys that can unlock the door to your son s world.
Please Clue In: I m Not You!
The first relational link is empathy. Through the years, we ve received thousands of emails from teenagers, and we ve talked to young people from all walks of life and from nearly every corner of the world. The boys we meet often echo the same message to parents: Don t tell me how it was for you. Clue in to how it is for me -here and now. Take an interest in how my world looks and feels . . . and try to understand what I m going through.
This book can help. Within these pages you ll hear the voices of real teen guys, and you ll get a rare look at their secret world: an often brutal landscape that s characterized by loneliness and peer fear; one in which measuring up as a man means conforming to the Cruel Cool Code of always being a tough guy, never showing weakness, and never expressing true feelings.
You ll read what boys think and feel-and what they need from you-as they navigate a variety of challenges: confronting bullies; finding their true identities ; battling lust and pornography; abstaining from sex; questioning homosexuality; and steering clear of drugs, drinking, and the social scene.
Trust Me, and I ll Trust You.
The second relational link is trust . I need this from my parents more than anything else, one boy told us. I can t handle it when they think I m doing drugs or getting into trouble, when in reality I m not. I need them to trust that I m a good kid-even if I stumble.
Now listen to the ache of another boy who is struggling to respect his parents: Trust was shattered in our home long ago. Mom and Dad say stuff like, Don t drink, smoke, lie, fight, or cheat, yet they do it all the time. How can I listen to people who don t walk their talk-even if they are my parents?
Trust is fragile and is sometimes hard to build, yet it s universally important to every teen guy. It s also a primary reason the young man in your life may shut you down while other adults-such as coaches, youth ministers, teachers-can command his full attention.
We ll guide you through the issue of trust and show you why it is important to build it by earning the right to be heard.
Stay Close and Let Me Breathe.
No doubt there s a war of independence going on with your son- that constant, tension-filled struggle you experience as your teen boy moves toward adulthood.
It hurts when Mom and Dad don t have time for me, a young man told us. But it s just as frustrating when they smother me. Give me some breathing room. Let me try stuff on my own, and even allow me to fail. I ll survive. I might even come out stronger than before.
The third relational link: consistent, balanced connections. This means setting parameters . . . and knowing when to step back. It means picking your battles and letting go from time to time. Above all, it means taking an interest in your son s world every day, and letting him step into yours.
I want a deeper connection with my parents, says another teen boy. I need to hear from them, I love you, I m proud of you, I won t give up on you. I need them to be there for me.
Face it: Teen guys are stressed out. Far too many feel the constant pressure to prove themselves in classrooms, on playing fields, and especially among their friends. Now more than ever they need change. Whether or not they re willing to admit it, deep inside they hunger for family support and connection-and they long to be accepted by their peers.
They re counting on you to teach, protect, and look after their well-being in this very big, frightening world.
These are the things your son isn t telling you. . . .
Chapter 1 HOW A BOY S WORLD LOOKS AND FEELS
Jeanna Smith wasn t about to give up on her teenage son, Nick.
Despite a big fight they d had earlier-and some hurtful things he d said-Nick was a good kid. Jeanna knew he was going through some hard times right now: He was rejected by a girl he liked, he was being picked on by some guys at school, and he hadn t made the basketball team.
Honey, you haven t touched your spaghetti, she said to her son during dinner. You ve got to eat-otherwise you ll get sick.
Nick shot a hurt look at Jeanna. Too late, Mother, the sixteen-year-old snapped. I m already sick- sick of all the crud I deal with every day. Totally SICK of my life!
Then you don t have to eat, Jeanna said. Let s talk. I ll listen. Tell me what s going on inside-
Where s Dad? Nick asked.
He s working late-
Again! Nick snapped, interrupting Jeanna. He s never around. It s just you and me. We re not a real family. Everything is so messed up. I just can t take it anymore.
Before Jeanna could utter another word, Nick stood up and threw his f