When Loving Him is Hurting You

David Hawkins

Description

It's Okay to Have Needs of Your Own You fell in love with him. But over time you've come to realize he's in love with himselfand you feel trapped. His needs, his problems, and his plans always seem to take precedence over yours. Dr. David Hawkins, director of the Marriage Recovery Center, offers a guide to help you identify signs of narcissism, understand how your loved one's issues are affecting you, and prepare a biblical game plan for freeing yourself to live courageously in light of God's love. Whether the man in your life can be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), exhibits narcissistic traits and emotionally abusive behavior, or has arrogant and self-centered tendencies, the emotional pain he causes you is very real. Discover the truths, wisdom, and grace you need to spark change in your relationship, set boundaries, and experience healing.

Sujets

• Domestic violence

Informations

• Publié par: Harvest House Publishers
• Date de parution: 26 septembre 2017
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9780736969826
• Langue: English

Extrait

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS
EUGENE , OREGON
Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version , NIV . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
Verses marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible , 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. ( www.Lockman.org )
Verses marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible , New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
Verses marked ASV are taken from the American Standard Version of the Bible.
Cover Image Borut Trdina / iStock
Cover design by Bryce Williamson
Published in association with MacGregor Literary, Inc.
This book includes stories in which people s names and some details of their situations have been changed to protect their privacy.
WHEN LOVING HIM IS HURTING YOU
Copyright 2017 David Hawkins
Published by Harvest House Publishers
Eugene, Oregon 97402
www.harvesthousepublishers.com
ISBN 978-0-7369-6981-9 (pbk.)
ISBN 978-0-7369-6982-6 (eBook)
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Hawkins, David, 1951- author.
Title: When loving him is hurting you / Dr. David Hawkins.
Description: Eugene Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, [2017]
Identifiers: LCCN 2017001807| ISBN 9780736969819 (pbk.) | ISBN 9780736969826 (eBook)
Subjects: LCSH: Man-woman relationships-Religious aspects-Christianity. | Narcissism-Religious aspects-Christianity. | Men-Psychology. | Marriage-Religious aspects-Christianity. | Interpersonal relations-Religious aspects-Christianity.
Classification: LCC BV4597.53.M36 H39 2017 | DDC 261.8/327-dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017001807
All rights reserved. No part of this electronic publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means-electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any other-without the prior written permission of the publisher. The authorized purchaser has been granted a nontransferable, nonexclusive, and noncommercial right to access and view this electronic publication, and purchaser agrees to do so only in accordance with the terms of use under which it was purchased or transmitted. Participation in or encouragement of piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of author s and publisher s rights is strictly prohibited.
D EDICATION
To two beautiful girls who lovingly call me Grampa-Maisie and Kate .
As you enter a world so desperate for change, for equality, and for safety, I envision two strong, vibrant visionaries who can and will speak out and become part of the solution to the problems described in this book .
C ONTENTS
Dedication
Introduction
P ART 1: N ARCISSISM
1. Swept Off Your Feet
2. Power, Privilege, and Personality
3. Falling for Him Again
4. How Dare You Say That!
5. Narcissistic Victim Syndrome
P ART 2: E MOTIONAL A BUSE
6. The Many Faces of Emotional Abuse
7. Enabling as Secondary Abuse
8. When the Church Is Abusive
9. Growing Smaller and Smaller
P ART 3: R ECOVERING FROM N ARCISSISTIC AND E MOTIONAL A BUSE
10. Change Begins with You
11. The Truth Will Set You Free
12. Maintaining Dignity with Boundaries
13. Rediscovering Your Godly Self
Notes
About the Author
Also by Dr. David Hawkins
About the Publisher
I NTRODUCTION
W hen Loving Him Is Hurting You .
What a title for a book. I so wish the title could have been When Loving Him Makes Your Heart Sing , or perhaps When Loving Him Makes You Smile Wildly .
That s what love should be about, after all. Loving him should be so self-evident that people in the grocery line stop and ask, Why are you smiling? and you respond, Because I love my husband so much and he loves me just as much in return.
That s what love is about, isn t it?
We know a lot about healthy love. We know in healthy love we feel larger, stronger, safer than when we are alone. We feel bold and secure, able to move about in the world with confidence because we are deeply and securely loved.
You are likely reading this book because you have felt deeply disappointed in love. Rather than smiling wildly, you feel discouraged and fearful. You have lost much of your hopefulness and seek ways to regain it.
You will find that hope in this book and in the friends you will meet here. You will find help and encouragement in these pages. Amid the stories of women like you, you ll find advice on how to not only survive your situation but also thrive once again. In addition to hope, you will find healing.
I admit that as I prepared to write this book, I wondered if I could do the topic justice. How could I possibly give voice to the thousands of women I ve counseled over the past ten years as I ve spent countless hours with victims and perpetrators of narcissistic and emotional abuse? How could I possibly put into words the depth of their fears and anxieties? Narcissistic and emotional abuse is, after all, incredibly elusive. Often hard to define, emotional abuse is experienced more than recognized.
You, more than many others, know about the elusive aspect of this problem. You know the countless people you ve reached out to for support and help, only to feel abandoned and discounted. In asking for help, you ve received platitudes and shallow words of counsel. You ve received even worse-dismissive comments-when suffering from a broken heart, a troubled mind, and a hurting body.
You will find an understanding voice in this book, albeit inadequate, for no one can possibly know what you are experiencing except those who have walked your journey. Nonetheless, in these pages you will find stories and counsel to meet you at your places of pain.
As I ve written, I ve been aware of so much more that is needed. Another book is needed as a follow-up to this one and then perhaps another after that. We are on the cutting edge of knowledge about the debilitating phenomenon called narcissistic and emotional abuse.
My writing and speaking on this topic have left me feeling a bit discouraged. I fear we have set our sights far too low. I fear we have settled for love that isn t love. We have settled for a kind of love that reflects tolerance or worse, harm. We-your pastors, counselors, friends, and family-have sold you something you should no longer buy. Love, to be love, must leave you heartened and happy, not hurting and discouraged.
When Loving Him Is Hurting You , as you may sense, was not easy to write. It has not been easy to sit with thousands-yes, thousands-of women who have argued to be heard, and rightfully so. Having been dismissed and discounted, blamed and shamed, their voices have been all but silenced. They have shared their stories of narcissistic and emotional abuse, stories they have mostly kept silent for fear of feeling further shame and misunderstanding. It has been an impossible journey you know all too well.
The victims of abuse have entrusted me with their stories, and I have the responsibility to retell them accurately and to offer hope for those still searching for answers to their pain. It is time for things to change. It is time we listened to their stories, heard the truths in them, and made drastic changes. We will share friendship, compassion, stories, and solutions in this book.
I wish we were beyond men using women to support their vulnerable egos. I so wish we were beyond patriarchal communities, churches, societies, and nations where women are harmed physically, emotionally, and spiritually. While we seem to have made inroads into physical domestic violence, we have only begun to wage war against narcissistic and emotional abuse. Join me on this path of recovery, which begins with understanding and leads to speaking out and setting boundaries against it.
It is strange to live in such an uneducated, uninformed, and harmful world, where emotional abuse-considered by many to be even more damaging than physical violence-is allowed to run amok. This horrific form of violence is everywhere, yet interventions are unheard of. This must stop.
I have the honor to peer into this dark world and shine the tiniest bit of light. It is dark because abused women still feel stigmatized about speaking out against it. It is dark because we don t want to admit this kind of abuse exists, much like slavery of years ago and sex trafficking today. We are so ashamed of this covert abuse that we simply refuse to talk about it. Again, this must stop.
I share in this book that we really do know, in ways we cannot openly admit, about this abuse. We can t help but know about it since it exists everywhere . You cannot ride a bus, train, or plane without seeing someone cower in fear. You cannot gather with your extended family without seeing and hearing about this abuse. Yet we turn away. It is still too frightening to speak out when you know you will be dismissed. You cannot go out in public and not hear a man yell obscenities at a woman, and yet we numb ourselves to it. You are part of a group of people speaking boldly that this must stop.
There is, thankfully, a new wind blowing. There are strong female voices, perhaps some of the same ones who have spoken out about physical domestic violence, who recognize emotional violence is just as harmful and must be stopped. Young and old, women are standing up and speaking about the unspeakable debilitating impact of narcissistic and emotional abuse. This familiar, everyday form of violence is finally receiving press. People are finally beginning to listen. Women with daily migraine headaches, adrenal failure, anxiety, and depression are finding the strength to say this form of violence must stop. You are part of this healing commu