Summary of Dr. David D. Burns's Feeling Good Together

Everest Media

Description

Please note: This is a companion version & not the original book.
Sample Book Insights:
#1 We all want to have friendly, rewarding relationships with other people, but we often end up with hostility, bitterness, and distrust. The deficit theory states that we can't get along because we don't know how. The motivational theory states that we can't get along because we don't want to.
#2 The deficit theory states that we don’t know how to make love, and thus we don’t know how to have relationships, so we resort to war to get our needs met. The cognitive theory states that all of our feelings result from our thoughts and attitudes, and that we get angry and upset because of the way we think about events that aren’t actually upsetting.
#3 Cognitive therapy is based on the idea that when you change the way you think, you can change the way you feel and behave. It is not easy to change the thinking patterns that trigger anger and conflict, but it is possible.
#4 The idea that all of these interpersonal problems stem from childhood experiences is called the deficit theory. It states that if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you may subconsciously re-create the same painful patterns as an adult. But most people who complain about their relationships with others don’t seem interested in changing their behavior whatsoever.

Sujets

• Interpersonal Relations

Informations

• Publié par: Everest Media LLC
• Date de parution: 27 avril 2022
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781669393580
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 1 Mo

Extrait

Insights on David D. Burns and M.D.'s Feeling Good Together
Contents Insights from Chapter 1 Insights from Chapter 2 Insights from Chapter 3 Insights from Chapter 4 Insights from Chapter 5 Insights from Chapter 6
Insights from Chapter 1

#1

We all want to have friendly, rewarding relationships with other people, but we often end up with hostility, bitterness, and distrust. The deficit theory states that we can't get along because we don't know how. The motivational theory states that we can't get along because we don't want to.

#2

The deficit theory states that we don’t know how to make love, and thus we don’t know how to have relationships, so we resort to war to get our needs met. The cognitive theory states that all of our feelings result from our thoughts and attitudes, and that we get angry and upset because of the way we think about events that aren’t actually upsetting.

#3

Cognitive therapy is based on the idea that when you change the way you think, you can change the way you feel and behave. It is not easy to change the thinking patterns that trigger anger and conflict, but it is possible.

#4

The idea that all of these interpersonal problems stem from childhood experiences is called the deficit theory. It states that if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you may subconsciously re-create the same painful patterns as an adult. But most people who complain about their relationships with others don’t seem interested in changing their behavior whatsoever.

#5

I began to see how many of my patients were unhappy in their marriages, but were too afraid to leave for any number of reasons. I would ask them what they wanted out of their marriage, and if they didn’t want a change, I would try to help them maintain the status quo.

#6

The third option is to maintain the status quo. This is the most common choice, as people often complain about their relationships but still choose to stay in them. They believe that if they change anything, things will get worse.

#7

Mickey was a man who was convinced that his marriage was bad. He felt sorry for himself, and told himself that he was stuck with a cold, unloving wife. He blamed her for their problems and his own unhappiness. But he had been knowingly treating his wife in a shabby way and intentionally doing things that were certain to demoralize her.

#8

There is no effective form of marital therapy in the world at this time. Theories about the causes of conflict are not valid, and people with pneumonia cough like crazy, but coughing doesn’t cause pneumonia.

#9

If the experts are right, and we are inherently good, then all we need to do is develop healthier attitudes and more effective interpersonal skills, and we'll be able to love and connect with others. But what if we aren’t inherently good. What if we have negative, destructive motives as well.

#10

Harry and Brenda are a couple with a troubled marriage. Harry is a carpenter who started his own construction company. They had two children, Jack and Zachary, and Harry frequently insulted and threatened Brenda.

#11

Harry and Brenda’s marriage is suffering from marital burnout, and they rarely do anything fun together or treat each other in a kind or loving way. They rarely solve any of their problems, and when they do, it’s usually because Brenda has provoked him into doing so.

#12

The problems that Harry and Brenda are experiencing are likely due to the fact that they both want the same things in their relationship: love and respect, but they are both willing to use aggression and intimidation to get them.

#13

The idea that we are all different and unique is a comforting one, because it allows us to avoid thinking about the evil or hostile motives that may be hiding inside us. But what if we aren’t really so different.

#14

We often don’t want to get close to the people we don’t like or get along with. We might not trust them, they might have treated us poorly in the past, or we just don’t want to feel close to them.

#15

Power and control, revenge, justice, and fairness are all desires for intimacy that can overpower any other desire. We can become so preoccupied with promoting ourselves and pursuing our own goals that our relationships with others suffer.

#16

Truth, blame, and shame are the main causes of conflict in relationships. When you’re at odds with someone, you’re usually just arguing about who was right and who was wrong. When you can recall an argument or disagreement you’ve had with someone, ask yourself who was right and who was wrong.

#17

Blame is the most toxic and addictive mind-set of all. It is difficult to let go of anger, which can be energizing, because it makes us feel powerful and self-righteous.

#18

When you're at odds with your partner, you may tell yourself that one of you is going to win and the other is going to lose. However, the desire to win keeps the battle alive because the other person will be equally determined to defeat you.

#19

The key to resolving any conflict might be to make a personal decision: what do I want more—the rewards of the battle or the rewards of a close, loving relationship.

#20

Good communication requires you to be able to express your feelings openly and directly, listen nondefensively when your partner talks, and treat your partner with respect even if you’re angry or frustrated.

#21