Full and Frank Disclosure

M. May E.

Description

This is the story of a life lived under constant criticism, abuse and emotional neglect. When the author was 10, she discovered that she was adopted. She got to know about this not from her family but a friend. She stormed in and confronted her mother only to find that it was, in fact, true.E. M. May then did what would prove to be a lifelong practice, compartmentalise this information, never to be discussed again with anyone. She had almost no memories of her childhood up to this point and that still plagues her now.She grew to believe she was not worthy of anything good and had such severely handicapped self-awareness and esteem that she married a man almost 15 years her senior, who already had three children and that's when the real abuse began.It is a sad life story but also one of realisation, awakening to purposely hidden truths, mental illness, empowerment, then trying to forgive both herself and those who had abused and dumped her, and eventually moving on with life whilst trying to find enlightenment through spirituality.There are no winners in this story, just an incredible wish to help others, especially children.

Sujets

• Lettres et linguistique

Informations

• Publié par: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Date de parution: 30 novembre 2020
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781528964418
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 2 Mo

Extrait

Full and Frank Disclosure
E. M. May
Austin Macauley Publishers
2020-11-30
Full and Frank Disclosure About the Author Dedication Copyright Information © Acknowledgment Chapter 1 Not Natural Chapter 2 Little Ginge Chapter 3 Midwifery Chapter 4 My Descent Towards Hell Chapter 5 Where There Is Smoke, There Is Fire Chapter 6 Wedding Bells Chapter 7 Wicked Stepchildren Chapter 8 The Cracks Begin to Appear Chapter 9 My Beautiful Babies Chapter 10 More Joyous Events Chapter 11 Life Was About to Get Real Chapter 12 Life After a Career Chapter 13 Jack Chapter 14 Jack: The Sacrificial Lamb Chapter 15 The Relentless Charade Chapter 16 The Narcissist and the Empath Chapter 17 Living a Life Without Trust and Respect Chapter 18 Growing Pains Chapter 19 The Greatest Betrayal Chapter 20 Death by Medicine Chapter 21 The End Is Nigh Chapter 22 The Man Behind the Mask Chapter 23 The Great Divide Chapter 24 How Do I Move Forward Now? Chapter 25 The Final Insult Chapter 26 The Game Players Continue to Win Chapter 27 Secrets and Lies Chapter 28 The Path to Enlightenment
About the Author
The author is a former trained nurse and a midwife who, through necessity, turned the skillsets acquired whilst nursing, especially organisational abilities and attention to detail, to many other jobs, including working for a computer repair company.
After an acrimonious marriage breakup after 32 years, she now resides with her second eldest daughter and youngest son in rural Queensland, Australia.
Dedication
I dedicate this book to all of my children, for whom I have nothing but unconditional love. It is my sincere hope that one day you will all come together as the family I tried and failed to create and which was torn apart by secrets and lies.
Copyright Information ©
E. M. May (2020)
The right of E. M. May to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.
Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.
ISBN 9781528925723 (Paperback)
ISBN 9781528964418 (ePub e-book)
www.austinmacauley.com
First Published (2020)
Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd
25 Canada Square
Canary Wharf
London
E14 5LQ
Acknowledgment
I wish to offer my deepest gratitude and appreciation to my son, Zach, for the critiquing, advice and invaluable insight, from a child’s perspective, whilst completing this book. You were my rock! I love you. Isabelle and Ben deserve a special thank you for having supported me from the day I finally gathered strength to leave my marriage. I have made your lives, as well as my own, truly miserable for a great portion of the time since that day. I can never change that, though I can only say how much I appreciate all that you have done for me and continue to do in an effort to prevent my PTSD and depression taking complete hold of me again. I love you.
To my eldest daughter, Brianna. I took you into an abusive and untenable situation and I have to live with that every day of the remainder of my life. There are no words adequate enough to express my regret and sorrow for having made the decisions I did and I can only say to you that ‘I you 49 my darling!’ I love you.
To my beautiful grandchildren, Steve and Ebony. Without you both I could not go on. Thank you for the love you give me and the strength you pass on to me, it is so magical. I love you. Mitchell, it is with so much love that we were reunited after you being caught in no man’s land, trying to maintain a relationship with both of your parents. I am so grateful and appreciative for the fact that you are always there for me no matter your situation. I love you.
From the very moment of your birth, I was in love, so deeply and completely that to be separated from you for seconds caused me agonising pain emotionally and physically. I could not settle without being able to see and touch the most precious little redhead I had ever seen in my life.
The pain of my 12-hour labour evaporated into the joy that was my adorable little baby girl.
I knew from that very second that I would move heaven and earth to protect and provide for you.
All the agonising doubts that had preceded your birth disappeared in a nanosecond. The verbal and psychological abuse I had received at the hands of my mother, brother and sister for bringing a screaming child into their house to disturb their lifestyles was still at the forefront of my mind as we, you and I, had been given only two weeks to find a place to live by ourselves because they were not prepared to tolerate the incursion into their serenity. Mum had dragged me around the streets of Toowoomba to various shops the week before your birth so that I could purchase the final items that I would require to make us a home. I was, at the time, meant to be on strict bed rest as I had already been hospitalised once at St Vincent’s Hospital with pre-eclampsia!
That momentous occasion is now, almost 38 years ago, my beautiful baby girl. We have endured both the best times of our lives and the worst times of our lives inside those almost four decades.
It was you and I alone at your birth and it was perfect, just as you were and are—true perfection.
This is the story of the journey through our lives, Brianna, both before and after you were born.
I dedicate this book to all of my children for whom I have nothing but unconditional love.
The hole in my heart caused by the loss of five of my babies from my life can never be filled by anyone or anything else. I am trying to let go of you so that I may live what remains of my life in peace, love and harmony but that has proven to be very difficult to achieve in the years since I last held each of you in my embrace.
It has been even more difficult for me to reconcile the loss of my grandchildren. They have no blame in the separation of their grandparents, yet one is still allowed to have them in their lives whilst the other is not. My heart aches for them so greatly.
The purpose of this book is to try, by writing everything down, to give you all the truth of my life. I now see how you were all brainwashed by your father as I have certainly had it explained to me enough by the experts and have come to understand that I had also been brainwashed by him. But I still find the practicalities of seemingly and oft self-proclaimed very intelligent people falling for it. And as I hold truth so dear to my heart, my biggest question is ‘why has not one of you or your partners ever asked me why I felt that I had to take the action that I did? Why did no one ever ask if I was okay?’ The condemnation of your mother on the simple say-so of a true narcissist is, quite frankly, beyond the realms of possibility to not only me but also to all the professionals that I have encountered since 2012.
This helps me when I come to a point of total confusion trying to work it out:
Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact…
Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth…
- Marcus Aurelius
What any child most needs from its parents is understanding, love and care.
- Tara Brach
Chapter 1

Not Natural
It was a cool and slightly breezy winter’s afternoon as I walked home from school at St Joseph’s Catholic Primary School in Chinchilla in western Queensland with a friend who lived quite close to me.
My friend talked all the way home, saying, ‘I know something about you.’
Of course, my natural response was, ‘Tell me what it is.’
‘I can’t, Mum and Dad said I couldn’t,’ she replied.
The banter continued back and forth between us and I discovered that her parents had chosen me to be the subject of their previous night’s dinner table conversation, in front of their children.
I was desperate to establish what they could possibly know about me that I was, in fact, not allowed to know about myself. My mind was doing somersaults trying to figure it out. I was all of ten years old so I asked her to give me the letters for the word and that way, she would not have actually told me. She did and we parted ways at the bottom of the road, she to continue straight and me to go up one block to my home. I had tried all the variations of the letters she had provided but seemed to be getting nowhere. I was almost home when I gave up and was in the process of storming in the front door to tell Mum all about this conversation that had so upset me. As I placed my foot over the threshold into the lounge room, it hit me—adoption!
‘I am not adopted, am I, Mum?’ was all I could say.
‘Yes, Ellie, you are and so is Jonathon.’
‘Why have you never told me this before, Mum?’
‘Don’t you remember all the times that I have told you and Jonathon that you were specially chosen?’
To be totally honest, I did not and I still do not remember ever having been given this information but I trusted Mum and said that I did as, at that point in my life, I did not believe that she would lie to me.
‘But that is not the same as adopted though, Mum.’
‘Well, actually, it is love. You were born of my heart, not under it, love.’
That I did remember and still do.
‘Dad and I could not love you any more than we do already, we are your parents. The ones who care for you, feed you, clothe you and care for you when you are hurt or sick. That is what real parents are.’
I was completely satisfied with the explanation that my mother had given me and I never discussed it with another soul from that day on. Not my brother, my father or my sister who was a natural child.
It became blatantly obvious through the years though, what a lot of my aunts