Telling Tales

James Chapman E.

Description

Whenever you hear the phrase 'what the butler saw', the image that springs to mind is of a 1900s voyeuristic butler peeping through a keyhole at something he shouldn't... Now let us fast-forward to present-day living, and instead of it being just the one household that our 21st century butler has control and access to, now let us make it eighty! It sounds like there is the potential for an awful lot of keyhole peeping here...In this first edition of Telling Tales: the Confessions of a Handyman, there is a compilation of seven stories that encompass many of the not-so-everyday events that the E. James Chapman has come across as a property manager-cum-butler within the expat community on southern Spain's Costa del Sol. From a set of new false teeth with a mind of their own, to a quiet community meeting that ends up being livelier than expected, all of the accounts are based on actual characters and events that have taken place during his watch over the past thirty years.Telling Talesis a laugh-out-loud collection of short stories that will appeal to fans of Carry On-style comedy. It will also appeal to those with a more romantic side - especially so in the tale featuring a certain Pepe the Plumber!

Sujets

• Philosophie et théologie
• Memoir
• Short story
• Humour

Informations

• Publié par: Troubador Publishing Ltd
• Date de parution: 20 mars 2018
• Nombre de lectures: 1
• EAN13: 9781785896101
• Langue: English
• Poids de l'ouvrage: 2 Mo

Extrait

Copyright © 2016 E. James Chapman
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
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ISBN 978 1785896 101
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Matador is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd
I would like to dedicate this book to all of my clients who I have enjoyed serving over the last thirty or more years.
Almost without exception it has always been a pleasure to handle their affairs – although some of the affairs were much more pleasurable than others.
CONTENTS
Telling Tales
Prologue
The Community Meeting
Helga
Brian
Pepe the Plumber
George
Donald
Salvi
An Ode to my Wife
TELLING TALES
THE COMMUNITY MEETING
If you have never attended a Community’s Annual General Meeting then you have missed out on being witness to what invariably develops very rapidly into a totally confused and often outrageous fiasco. Something best described by the neutral observer as a proper pantomime!
In fairness to most of those present, this nearly always comes about simply because it is taking place in Spain and the vast majority of those present don’t speak a word of the lingo!
Community AGM’S are for sure places where angels definitely fear to tread. But more than anything else, it is a fantastic place for intense theatrical entertainment in which words are more often than not replaced by extreme gestures and wild bodily actions. After all, there’s no point at swearing at someone if he doesn’t understand your insult!
Then, in contrast, there is the Community Board Meeting which is performed behind closed doors and where members of the general public are only, on very rare occasions, invited. This is where the atmosphere has a more relaxed and congenial air to it and where the board members discuss the day-to-day problems of the complex with, on most occasions, a smile on their faces.
Their task is simply to sort out the many and often pretty incredible events that have somehow befallen the community since their last meeting.
Lots of decisions have to be made – and without the need of a martial arts qualification – although sometimes that would help!
HELGA
The discipline and demeanor of regular cleaning ladies could set an example for those following other callings. Normally they tend to keep themselves to themselves. They are trustworthy and always work hard. Some are chatterboxes but most are without doubt amicable, polite and friendly.
There is however always an exception to the rule and for this exception I have called the lady in question, Helga.
Even though she had an outward appearance that closely resembles one of a Viking warlord in a skirt, once you got to know her, Helga was in fact quite a sweet and conscientious woman who actually enjoyed her time cleaning and patrolling the labyrinth of corridors and stairways in the sprawling apartment complex where she was employed.
Over the years there had naturally been several ups and downs for Helga as she came in contact with the owners of the apartments and their guests, but all paled into insignificance one day in September with the arrival of two innocent rentals who fell foul of a cat that suffered from a seriously antisocial bowel control.
BRIAN
Buying a second-hand holiday apartment in a foreign country could be regarded by the majority of purchasers as both a really exciting chapter in their book of life and a huge step into the dark. However, getting the builders in to do some of the all-important renovations needed in order to convert said property into your house of dreams when you’re not going to be there to oversee the work is, without doubt, an absolutely massive leap of faith! This is clearly the time when the buyer puts their confidence well and truly in the people they trust the most and they don’t even dare to think that there may be a need for a back up Plan B.
But when things do start to go wrong and nothing is going according to plan, then naturally hope will fall upon the shoulders of their trusted help – which in this case is our man, Brian – who is not only there on the spot but is also relied upon to come up with that all-important solution to whatever the problem may be.
But bizarrely when, even with his vast expertise, things continue to go inexplicably downhill, one begins to wonder if there is another plot afoot. A Plan C perhaps? Could this plan be a secret and cunning plan with, maybe, some hanky-panky on the menu?
PEPE
Pepe the plumber is a ladies’ man and he knows it.
He is also pretty good at his job too – and especially when the lady client’s plumbing is in need of a little attention to detail.
In the past he has always had complete control over all his romances until one day he beholds a vision from heaven called Monika. What happens after that throws every wrench, spanner, not to mention plunger, clean out of his tool bag, and especially so when he sees the light – and where he thinks it’s coming from!
GEORGE
George has a problem with his teeth.
Now the use of the word teeth is often employed in a way to explain a situation that we find ourselves in.
‘Teething problems’, for example, describes the problems that arise at the start of a project. ‘Armed to the teeth’ obviously suggests that one has prepared to the greatest possible degree for whatever the task was, and ‘to get one’s teeth into something’ is taken to mean that you have become heavily engrossed in what you were doing. However, when someone is described as ‘having no teeth’ it does give a really negative indication that the person referred to doesn’t have the power to produce the desired effect that is required of them. And that’s George’s problem, he hasn’t got any!
For those of you who are still in possession of the teeth their maker blessed them with, you will almost certainly use this simple turn of phrase just as it is metaphorically intended without giving it another thought. But for those who, for one reason or another, are obliged to leave their teeth in a glass of Steradent every night, can often be characterised into two groups. Type A are those who aren’t too bothered about their set of gnashers – so long as they do the job intended. Type B are folks who are very particular about their looks and want to look as ‘natural’ as possible.
This tale is about a happy-go-lucky fellow called George who easily falls into Type A until his doting wife books them a holiday on the Costa-Del-Sol! Although by now he’s fairly long in the tooth, an inspired George opts for a life change to Type B, completely oblivious of all its unexpected ramifications.
DONALD
When a fellow has been the office manager for more years than he cares to remember, and is used to dishing out the orders to his staff, expecting an instant action, there is a high probability that a similar attitude may be unconsciously repeated once he gets back home to the trouble and strife. Most wives will have long since perfected the art of ignoring this type of niggling irritation but when he unexpectedly opts to take early retirement without giving her the chance to talk him out of it, the seismic shock of having him suddenly under her feet seven days a week can only spell disaster to her and her routine.
Things can easily go incendiary and especially so when the chance of a holiday apartment and an attractive sales lady appear on the scene. On the face of it a fairly charged set of events are on the boil and when you add the ‘fuse’ of a delayed arrival, a dodgy meal and some faulty Spanish plumbing then the result is destined for an explosive ending!
SALVI
This is the tale of the youngest son of an impoverished tenant farmer who, along with the rest of his family, is living under the threat of imminent eviction from their home. Innocent and unaware of certain traits of human behavior, Salvi met and was befriended by an unchaste Dutch artist at a time when grooming still referred to brushing down your horse and not as it is now. Although it is a tale of seduction, it also shows how the shrewdness of a simple and insignificant peasant woman can make the most out of the situation and create a totally unexpected twist in the tail.
PROLOGUE
It is a safe bet to say that most of us hope to spend our all-too-brief lives on earth as satisfyingly as possible, and, of course, to enjoy the good health needed to do so. But, as Alexander Pope surmised, ‘to err is human’ and that after all is what makes up life’s rich tapestry.
It goes without saying that we are all creatures of circumstance and, being mere mortals, it’s only natural for us to always hope that when things do go wrong they will always go wrong for someone else. However, when the dreaded fickle finger of fate points your way and promptly dumps you into something really soft and smelly then your excuses as to why it happened are often simply dismissed as just plain rotten luck. Nevertheless, it can be said that pretty much all of these unexpected hiccu