Ready to Heal: Breaking Free of Addictive Relationships

Sarah Boggs, Kelly PhD McDaniel

Description

It's no surprise that our culture is addicted to "love". The sappy love songs, the enticing ads for romantic getaways and the desire to be cherished by a special someone will never lose their appeal. But for some women, this poses a significant problem. Because of their insatiable desire for love, they will do anything to find it and ultimately land in destructive addictive relationships over and over again causing incredible harm.

This newly revised and expanded edition of Ready to Heal provides an opportunity for women to break free from painful addictive relationships. Kelly McDaniel provides the reader with the tools they will need to move along the path to living a life where intimacy is possible. Readers have an opportunity to begin to "connect the dots" in their own relationship patterns by following the stories of four brave women. A newly added chapter on "Mother Hunger" explores the role of the mother in infancy and how she ultimately impacts a daughter's ability to have healthy intimate relationships later in life.

Break free from the chains of addictive relationships that sabotage happiness and self-respect.

Sujets

• Sociologie, société et politique
• Psychopathology
• Psychology
• Addiction

Informations

• Publié par: eBookIt.com
• Date de parution: 21 février 2013
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9780985063320
• Langue: English

Extrait

McDaniel offers rich reflections into the myriad of issues facing women sex and love addicts. Confronting cultural stereotypes that keep women in their shame and providing a clear path of healing, she uses her warm and perceptive insight to help women unburden and break free from the insidious hold of addiction. Her identification of “mother hunger” as a driving force for women sex and love addicts is one of the many gems this book contains. Ready to Heal is sure to become a classic for women struggling with addiction.
—Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D.,CSAT
Clinical Director of Kenneth M. Adams and Associates in suburban Detroit, Michigan and Life Healing in Santa Fe, New Mexico
Author of Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners and When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitmen t
 
Nobody understands and explains sex and love addiction in women like Kelly McDaniel. Ready to Heal integrates compelling examples with clinical brilliance, lighting a path to personal healing and healthy relationships. The chapter on “mother hunger” is an invaluable work in and of itself. Therapists like us as well as our clients will be utilizing this powerful resource for many, many years to come.
—Bill Bercaw, PsyD, CSAT, CST
& Ginger Bercaw, PsyD, CSAT, CST
Authors of The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy: How Sexual Reintegration Therapy Can Help your Relationship Heal
 
In a gentle and respectful manner, Kelly invites any woman to honor her authentic self rather than stay in the shame associated with behaviors that no longer work to relieve emotional pain. Not only can the reader learn ways to stop the addictive behavior, she can also discover how to rebuild a healthier life that respects the difficult journey on which many women have traveled.
—M. Deborah Corley, Ph.D.
Founder and co-owner of the Santé Center for Healing
Co-author of Disclosing Secrets: An Addict’s Guide for When, to Whom, and How Much to Reveal and Surviving Disclosure: A Partner’s Guide for Surviving Disclosure and the Trauma Associated with Addiction
 
Ready to Heal brings a welcoming freshness to the tender arena of women who struggle with addictive love and sexuality. Its affirming approach clearly describes a woman’s experience to find attachment and meaning, even when those quests take her down a painful path. Most importantly, Ready to Heal addresses the deep longing for maternal nurture and offers practical ways to heal the mother hunger that aches within.
—Marnie C. Ferree, M.A., LMFT, CSAT
Director of Bethesda Workshops, Nashville, TN
Author of No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction
 
Ready to Heal is a stunningly accurate account of what happens to a woman’s capacity for intimacy when early relational and childhood trauma are not repaired. It sets the pace for female sex, love, and relationship addicts who are ready to heal. A must read for traumatized women committed to restoring their sexual integrity, for those who love these women, and for therapists who treat this population.
—Alexandra Katehakis, MFT
Author of Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction
 
Finally someone has put her finger on the missing ingredient in sex and love addiction for women: the concept of “mother hunger”. McDaniel has captured both the problem and the solution for women who struggle with dysfunctional relationships. By following this book, readers will be able to break free from these addictions, stay free, and heal.
—Milton S. Magness, D. Min
Author of Stop Sex Addiction ; Thirty Days to Hope & Freedom from Sex Addiction and Hope & Freedom for Sexual Addicts and Their Partners
 
This groundbreaking book is a blood transfusion for love junkies. For the first time, someone nailed “mother hunger” as the pulsing heart of love and sex addiction. By doing so, McDaniel provided me freedom from a lifetime of toxic relationships. Ready To Heal created a roadmap to recovery, studded with gently lit landmarks leading me home. Along the way, self-hatred morphed into compassion. This book taught me how to love myself.
—Rachel Resnick
Author of Love Junkie and Literary Alchemist at Writers On Fire ( www.writersonfire.com )
 


 

 
Breaking Free of
Addictive Relationships
 
Kelly McDaniel
with Sarah Boggs
 




Gentle Path Press
P.O. Box 3172
Carefree, Arizona 85377 www.gentlepath.com
 
 
Copyright 2012 Kelly McDaniel,
All rights reserved.
 
 
Published in eBook format by Gentle Path Press
Converted by http://www.eBookIt.com
 
ISBN-13: 978-0-9850-6332-0
 
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be used or reproduced, stored or entered into a retrieval system, transmitted, photocopied, recorded, or otherwise reproduced in any form by any mechanical or electronic means, without the prior written permission of the author, and Gentle Path Press, except for brief quotations used in articles and reviews.
 
Third edition: 2012
 
For more information regarding our publications, please contact Gentle Path Press at 1-800-708-1796 (toll-free U.S. only)
Editor’s note: All the stories in this book are based on actual experiences. The names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved. In some cases, composites have been created.
I NTRODUCTION

When love hurts, you may wonder about your choice of romantic partners or risky sexual behaviors. Perhaps, like many others, you’re experiencing the raw pain of an addictive relationship—the kind that’s painful to be in, yet seemingly impossible to leave. A profound sense of emptiness can result. Repeatedly, you may feel pain, anger, and confusion rather than what you truly desire: closeness, warmth, and security. You may feel broken. The more you search for the comfort of closeness and safety, the deeper you sink into the quicksand of despair.
As you read through the pages in this book, you will discover what happens when love and sex—our most primitive human needs—becomes a drug. This idea may be new to you. If you’re in the midst of recovering from other addictions, the concept may make sense but leave you asking, “What? There’s more work to do?”
Ready to Heal explores how addictive relationship patterns get started and how to heal from the pain of destructive relationships. The phrase “love and sex addiction” will be referenced throughout the book as a way to name addictive patterns. While this term may not be one you would choose, that’s okay. It’s simply a name. Naming a problem is the first step toward healing. For a woman, healing from love and sex addiction requires an understanding of the disease from (1) an early rupture in attachment with your caregivers, and (2) patriarchal norms and expectations in culture. Both will be explored here.
No woman dreams of becoming a love and sex addict. Many women are puzzled why they continually struggle with unmanageable behavior when it comes to sex and love. Shame settles in and refuses to leave. But there is hope and a way out of this shame. As you begin to understand the nature of love and sex addiction— how it forms in infancy and how culturally you’ve been set up for it— shame diminishes, and your spirit is freed up for healing. Are you ready to heal?
Part of healing an addiction involves learning why you needed it in the first place. How did your addiction start? The premise of Ready to Heal is that love and sex addiction is an attempt to re-create your mother’s love. In previous editions of this book, the term “mother hunger” was used to show the importance of a mother’s imprint on her daughter’s brain. Mother hunger is essentially an attachment failure. This means the original bond with your mother didn’t happen or, somehow, it broke. The concept will be explored in much more detail in this newly revised edition.
You were born with all you need—the basic hardware wired into your brain for human love and connection—but a baby can’t use it without a consistent, trustworthy guide. Your relationship with your mother was the earliest foundation for how you formulated a sense of yourself and how you understand relationships. Your mother’s love or lack of it became imprinted on your developing brain and it continues to direct your relational choices today. Your first experience with love and trust was with your mother’s touch, voice, and body. In her arms, early on you formed a belief about whether or not you were lovable. You may have learned that relationships are frightening or painful. These beliefs developed before you could speak or recall what was said or done, so they may not be concrete.
Some of you may have no early memories of your mother. Nonetheless, early experiences with her are stored in your body. In turn, they lay the groundwork for addictive relationship patterns. Unfortunately, a prevalent cultural mythology that all mothers love their children purely and sacrificially makes it difficult to take a close, honest look at the relationship with your mother. Mother-love is supposed to be unconditional, sacred, and instinctual. Our culture holds motherhood as an institution that is supremely fulfilling for women. In service to this powerful cultural ideology, the complexities of mothering are overlooked. As a result, many women come to the experience unprepared for what an enormous responsibility it is to nurture an infant. For these reasons, exploring the concept of mother hunger isn’t about blaming your mother. Most women love their children the best way they know how. Instead, examining and understanding ‘mother hunger’ is a necessary piece required to heal from addictive relationships.
In my clinical practice, I work with women facing love and sex addiction. Frequently, I’m invited to talk to groups about addictive relationships. When I discuss this painful topic, I occasionally get asked, “Are only beautiful women addicted to sex?” The question