You Don't Know Anything...!

Nadir Psy.D. Baksh

Description

In You Don't Know Anything...!: A Manual for Parenting Your Teenagers, we will take into consideration those ages between twelve and eighteen, ending at the general time at which most teens matriculate to college or independent living, although twenty years of age is more commonly thought of as the demarcation into adulthood. The teen years are filled with many intellectual and physiological changes involving growth spurts, developmental achievements, the appearance of secondary sex characteristics and questions of sexual identity. Equally as important, but less often mentioned, is the recognition that adolescence is also a time of "feeling" unparalleled in any other stage. Your son or daughter is feeling the possibilities that exist in a world just opening up to him or her and suffering the fears that come with breaking away from the warm dependency of the core family to venture into the un- known. Your child's adolescence will be marked by the longing to turn back to simpler times without responsibility, together with the urge to march forward, armed with little more than dreams of what might be. This book is designed to encourage in you a deeper appreciation of their challenges.

Sujets

• Vie de famille
• Adolescence et Vie de Famille
• Adolescent
• Sociologie, société et politique
• Psychotherapy
• Psychology
• Child

Informations

• Publié par: eBookIt.com
• Date de parution: 21 février 2013
• Nombre de lectures: 0
• EAN13: 9781456601522
• Langue: English

Extrait

You Don’t Know Anything…!
 
 
A Manual for Parenting Your Teenagers
 
 
Nadir Baksh, Psy.D. and Laurie Murphy, Ph.D.
 
 

Copyright 2011 Nadir Baksh, Psy.D. / Laurie Murphy, Ph.D.,
All rights reserved.
 
 
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
http://www.eBookIt.com
 
 
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0152-2
 
 
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of quotes used in critical articles and reviews.
 
 
Cover design: Zachary Parker, Kadak Graphics, Prescott, Arizona Interior design and layout: Zachary Parker; http://www.kadakgraphics.com
 
 
HOHM PRESS
P.O. Box 2501 Prescott, AZ 86302
800-381-2700
http://www.hohmpress.com
 

 
 
This book is dedicated to parents everywhere whose love endures despite the adversity and aguish of the teenage years.
 

Acknowledgements
There are so many people who have helped to shape us and had such enormous impact on the direction our lives have taken. Some of these individuals have since passed away, and although they are no longer physically present, their spirit motivates us to work harder, love deeper and never settle for second best. We miss them dearly.
There are those who continue to share their lives with us, especially our parents and children, who have always supported our dreams, loving us despite our shortcomings, or because of them. We love them dearly.
Then there are those unlikely strangers who pass through our lives, and, because of serendipity or chance encounters, become integrally enmeshed in our future. One such person is Regina Sara Ryan, whom we met during the publishing of our first book; at that time we knew her only by her title, Managing Editor. Today, we think of her as a friend and literary godsend, who takes our visions and organizes them into tangible, readable thoughts. She has managed to synchronize our thinking, polish our writing, and sculpt our dreams into reality. We also applaud the staff at Hohm Press, whose dedication brought this book to fruition. We thank them dearly.
Mostly, we thank Divine Intervention, which continues to place us where we need to be, when we need to be there, and moves us forward even when we feel like standing still.
 
Introduction
There is no deeper love than that of a parent for a child, and it is no surprise that such love is given in all its purity, and generally without bounds. What is a surprise is how quickly this small child, once your staunchest supporter, begins to pull away from you as adolescence approaches. This desperate struggle toward independence is inevitable, yet its vengeance is unexpected, leaving heartache and turmoil in its path. Welcome to the mysterious, dramatic and chaotic world of your teenager! It is during this time that parents must give their children a safe harbor, even from themselves, and wait patiently until their adolescents reestablish equilibrium and emerge as fully grown adults.
We believe that every child has the right to childhood happiness. But, they are not entitled to this right without some concessions, bound by societal rules and regulations and the structure of pa-rental guidance. Love is simply not enough. Parenting a teenager is serious business and cannot be left to serendipity.
The advice and instruction offered in You Don’t Know Anything…! is meant to provide you with a mooring until the seas of teenage rebelliousness and emotions quiet down. These are tumultuous times, and we want to reassure you that, like everything else, they will pass.
We know there are some days when you feel like you are barely holding on. As parents, you can expect to encounter try-ing times, some worse than others, during these next several years. Depending on the personality traits of your child, you can almost predict the degree of upheaval that may shift your life into overdrive. If your child has always been more easygoing and flexible, he or she will probably experience fewer difficulties in these teen years than a child who has always been headstrong and rebellious. Still, it is the rare child who escapes the turbulence of adolescence. Many parents agree that they feel as though they are living in a nightmare, having gone to sleep the guardian of a sweet, innocent, enthusiastic and familiar boy or girl and awaken-ing to a barely recognizable, sullen and disrespectful, overgrown, unruly stranger.
We will be using words such as “adolescent,” “teenager,” “off-spring” and “child” interchangeably, although by strict definition their meanings may vary, particularly with regard to age. However, it is our view that during the teen years nothing can be defined strictly; this passage is marked by blurs of time, shades of age, and brushstrokes of dreams. In You Don’t Know Anything…!: A Manual for Parenting Your Teenagers , we will take into consideration those ages between twelve and eighteen, ending at the general time at which most teens matriculate to college or independent living, although twenty years of age is more commonly thought of as the demarcation into adulthood.
The teen years are filled with many intellectual and physiological changes involving growth spurts, developmental achievements, the appearance of secondary sex characteristics and questions of sexual identity. Equally as important, but less often mentioned, is the recognition that adolescence is also a time of “feeling” unparalleled in any other stage. Your son or daughter is feeling the possibilities that exist in a world just opening up to him or her and suffering the fears that come with breaking away from the warm dependency of the core family to venture into the un-known. Your child’s adolescence will be marked by the longing to turn back to simpler times without responsibility, together with the urge to march forward, armed with little more than dreams of what might be. This book is designed to encourage in you a deeper appreciation of their challenges.
Parenting a teenager can be frustrating as well as frightening, and we will caution you throughout the chapters that follow to not lose sight of the wonderful person your child remains underneath his or her newly developed smart-aleck exterior. If you are frightened, know that he is terrified; if you are confused by some of her behavior, understand that she is totally bewildered by her words and actions. Adolescence is not representative of the person your child is destined to become; your sons and daughters are simply trying to find their way through a maze of hormones and peer pressure.
We agree that it is difficult not to feel betrayed by your teenagers when they seem indifferent to your presence, or as they shut you out of their lives altogether. At the same time, we encourage you not to react childishly, pushing your offspring away in the same manner. Your teenagers need you as much now as they ever have. If you are steadfast in your belief that your children are wonderful, despite their behaviors to the contrary; if you continue to find the good in them, even when they are behaving badly; they will have exactly what they need to make it through this challenging period. They will have you .
 
The Team Approach
As we talk about your teenagers’ tumultuous behavior, the focus of this book may appear to be negatively slanted, when, in fact, it is only the behavior that is negative. The teaching tools included in these pages are intended to help you learn how to form boundaries and enforce consequences. We urge you to view these tools in a positive light, as they will pave the way for new and more constructive behaviors for both you and your teenager.
You are reading this book because of your concern for your child, and probably also because your parenting methods have been unsuccessful in the past. We are trained and skilled in identifying and redirecting your child’s behavior, and because we are not emotionally conjoined with your child, we can offer assistance without the interference of self-doubt or guilt. You, on the other hand, have something to offer that we cannot: You have the ability to love and nurture your child. Together, we can formulate a well-constructed plan for success: We can provide the parenting guidelines as long as you provide the consistency and unconditional love. Together, this team cannot fail. However, to insure the success of our plan, you must commit to like your child, particularly when he or she is impossibly unlikable, and to parent consistently according to the guidelines we are about to share with you. This will take hard work, but the rewards you reap will be well worth it.
 
Our Work with Teens
Treating patients in a “safe” setting, in our office practice, we’ve been privileged to witness family dynamics from a clinical rather than an academic perspective. We have seen firsthand the ways in which couples perceive each other and react or shut down because of their perceptions. We’ve had a bird’s-eye view of children and how they “fit” into a family, of how they perceive their position in the family, of the underpinnings of sibling rivalry, of caustic parents, and of feelings of unworthiness and betrayal. We doubt that there is any arena in which emotions are as volatile and raw, as pure yet contaminated, as truthful yet deceitful as in family therapy. In our practice, these emotions are expressed without fear of retribution, finally relieving the hidden anguish and anxieties that both parents and teens have held within.
Our clinical practice has spanned more than twenty-three years, during which we have evaluated and treated virtually hundreds of teenagers and their families. Some teens have come to us voluntarily, hoping to solve their family problems or to achieve a greater understanding of themselves; some have been dragged in by their frustrated parents, who demand to know how to fix the “problem” child. Some have been ordered to our office by the court system for treatment